Started From the Bottom Now We’re Here

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So Santa (aka me) recently brought this fantastic piece of technology into my life, and everything about it has blown me away – from the perfect screen with its microscopic pixels and brilliant colors, to the track pad, to the keyboard; it is literally the laptop of my dreams, and I am so so excited to finally be able to use it to get productive and make creative stuff… and watch cat videos on YouTube, of course.

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With the year ending and reflecting back on things, I thought I should also show you guys what my very first “personal computer” looked like.

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Oh yes fellow boys and girls of the ’90s, bask in its pink and ultra feminine glory. I remember trying to actually use it as a diary and only being able to insert a sentence and a half in there, so I was a bit limited – I guess it was like training for the days of Twitter though. I did manage to put a couple of phone numbers in, as well as someone’s birthday. Please don’t get me wrong because I am not trying to knock it or not appreciate it for what it was and still is.

I got this pocket diary “computer” when I was in 5th or 6th grade, which would have been around the year 2000. I used its handy dandy alarm function to wake me up to go to school every day. I’m not sure which nook or cranny this baby is hidden in inside my closet, but believe it or not – it is almost 2015 and the alarm still rings every single morning.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious the computers and machines are going to outlive us all. If something as “basic” as the electronic pocket diary still works, then this MacBook will take my brain over next year. Also appreciate your “old” electronics because they’re still pretty fucking amazing pieces of technology, even if you may have something new “better” now. And love each other and be merry and stuff. Yeah, happy holidays everyone.

Big Ang Christmas

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6 People Who Need to Be Banned From Using #Blessed Forever

Justin Bieber blessed tweet ugh

If you’eve ever searched for #blessed on Twitter, you’d know that most of the people who use it are jocks and spoiled teenagers who got new stuff. I didn’t have to search too long to find people using it in the worst way possible. Though come to think of it, I don’t think there’s really a right way either.

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Analyzing Nicki Minaj’s Latest Bootylicious Music Video – “Anaconda”

Nicki Minaj

Every time Nicki Minaj comes out with a new video, I’m not gonna lie – I get pretty excited. I have a soft spot for her because her music and crazy videos remind me of hanging out with my college BFF and all the awesome times we had dancing to it.

Anyways, we’ve been getting teasers about this video for EVER now and it is finally here! Let us rejoice in Nicki’s bootylicious glory, which we get an eyeful, a handful, everything-ful of in this video. Take a deep breath and be prepared to be blown away.

My initial reaction was of course:

work bitch gif       yas bitch drag race gif

I have to say that my favorite part of of the video, or any rap video really, is when the women shake their asses with that same blank / nonexistent expression on their faces. Like girl it’s okay to smile – you’re shaking your ass in front of a camera for a song inspired by I Like Big Butts. Have fun with it!

The part where Nicki is in the kitchen with a bunch of fruit is what immediately set some bells off in my head and brought me back to my film studies classes.

Nick Minaj fruit Anaconda video

The film, Daisies (1966) is surrealist and odd, but has some serious feminist undertones or even overtones in it. It revolves around two women who act a little infantile and crazy, but still manage to attract a lot of men by using their bodies. At one point they eat way too much food and make a huge mess of things. Our professor pointed out one scene in particular  in which one of them gets a banana (an obvious fallace symbol and representation of all things male) and cuts it apart into a bunch of pieces, laughing all the while.

Daisies 1966 gif dinner   Daisies Marie 1966 gif

Daisies 1966   Daisies 1966 film

That is exactly what Nicki does in the video – she sexualizes the banana when she is about to eat it all sexy-like, she cuts it and throws it away. I don’t think I need to go into all the things the penis represents to the male, I think we all understand that. Not only that, after Drake gets this mesmerizing, awesome freaking lap dance, she won’t let him touch her AND she walks away in the end without giving it a second thought. She is done having her fun with him and he’s thrown away like a toy. The whole video just reminds me of the spirit of the film, and in its own way empowers the women because it shows that they know how to use their sexuality as a weapon and a form of control.

Of course it could be that I’m looking way too deeply into this and no one could possibly put this much thought in a booty-shaking rap video. But it’s also pretty likely that the guy who made this video, Colin Tilley, is just a regular dude who wants to make movies, who went to film school, saw this film and many others like it, and used his knowledge in his craft. Who knows? Either way, as silly as it may be, it’s making me want to look for things like this in other videos to look for other references I may recognize, and then feel all high and mighty about.

Hmm on second thought I’ll just stare at Nicki’s booty for another hour.

Nicki Minaj Anaconda video gif

P.S. You’re welcome.

 

And here are some extra Anaconda goodies, courtesy of the lovely internet.

Drake and Nicki Anaconda video

Nicki Drake lapdance Anaconda video

Drake worried Anaconda video Nicki

 


Product Placement / Advertising in our TV Shows – RANT Alert!

Well by golly, it’s sure been a while since I’ve posted here! There is no time to get into the how and the why.  Because…

It is time for a rant. A rant about television.

I will preface this rant by saying how much I love television, how passionate I am about the idea and execution of well thought-out, carefully planned, well-written shows. Yes, I also enjoy watching couples argue on Divorce Court, but whatever – I like what I like – ain’t no shame in it. Anyways, I am actually working towards being a writer for TV as a life/career goal, so this is something that is very important to me and what I stand for in the creative sense. It’s also why publishing this post may be the worst, career-killing idea I’ve ever had, but sometimes you just gotta keep it real.

Angela Mob Wives gif dont give a fuck

I will use ABC’s show as an example simply because I’m currently unaware of any other network that does this.

First, they do the most blatant product placement in The Bachelorette, admittedly one of the worst shows that exist. One of the clearest examples I remember is of a special exclusive trailer for The Hundred Foot Journey that ran during a commercial break way back when no one had heard about it yet. Nothing weird there, right? Nope, because Andi and her date just so happened to watch that same exact movie on their date, and then proceeded to talk about how romantic and amazing it was for another 5 minutes of our precious time. Thankfully, it is a shitty show, everyone knows it and watches anyway, so this doesn’t really undermine whatever intellect we may possibly have.

But then, ABC decided to take their product placement to a whole new level and include it in its scripted shows. The one I got to see and rage over was an episode of Pretty Little Liars. The show simply focuses on the same ‘mysterious’ run-around where no one gets any answers about anything that happens because everyone just lies all the time, and everything is a secret. Oh and people hook up once in a while. That’s pretty much it. I have watched the past two seasons because it’s part of my job. I don’t really get the hype over it, but then again I’m not one of the millions of teenage girls who are obsessed with it either.
On this episode during the commercial break, we got to see a special, long preview of Ouija,  a movie that is coming out in October in time for Halloween season.  So far so good. But THEN, someone on the show started talking about his paranormal experiences and talking about a ouija board. Crazy coincidence you say!? Let me reiterate, this show has nothing to do with the paranormal – at least not for any of the seasons it’s been on. No ghosts. No magic. No voodoo. Nothing. And it JUST SO HAPPENED that right after a trailer about a ouija board movie came on, the dude on the TV show started talking about a ouija board. Oh and the exact same hashtag popped up on screen during both the trailer and the show – there’s absolutely no denying it was intentional.  Honestly, how stupid do you really think we are?

The idea of a SCRIPTED television show literally being written around an advertisement is so totally insulting, not just on an intellectual level, but just everything I believe writing is about. It absolutely defeats the integrity of the show itself and any serious writer on the show’s self-respect – at least I would think so .

I honestly cannot imagine how I would feel if someone came to me and my writing team mid-creative process and just told me to work some completely random, ridiculous idea in there just because some filthy rich executive asshole paid for the air time. I really think I would quit. At least I hope I would have the sense to be true to myself and my craft to do so. But who the hell knows?

Seriously, ABC can’t be the only network doing this. This isn’t necessarily anger at the network itself, but a general anger that this practice exists and has such a shitty influence over the creative process. I really thought we went away with this in the 60s, but perhaps I just don’t know enough about the subject matter and have suddenly snapped into sad, sad reality. Have you seen advertising this blatant within a scripted TV show before? Please let me know so that I may continue wallowing in my disappointment over this.

Karen Mob Wives crying gif


The Very Best Catfish Tweets

Catfish is so friggin magical.

TV Unfiltered

Catfish TV show logo

If you watch Catfish, you know it is ridiculously popular on Twitter. It can be hard to keep track of the funniest tweets from those shocking, classic Catfish moments, but don’t worry because we’ve got those hidden gems for you. Also – SPOILER ALERT! The catfisher is revealed at the end of this post – you’ve been warned!

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CeeLo Green’s 13 Most Ridiculous Outfits

TV Unfiltered

In honor of CeeLo Green leaving “The Voice” behind forever, we thought it’d be a good idea to pay homage to some of his most fantabulous and extravagant outfits. Here are our top 13 favorite CeeLo looks. 

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How Ants (And other Bugs) Are Ruining My Life

I’m going to preface this by describing the extent of how much I dislike insects of all kinds. I don’t care if it’s a cockroach or a butterfly, I can’t stand them. A moth on the wall will send me running to another room with the door shut. Bees, wasps, and other stinging creatures terrify me. I’ve gotten better at killing spiders and stuff, but really, I just fucking hate bugs with a passion.

big ang mess

Right, so I live in an *okay* apartment with my man. Not too fancy, but not ridiculously ghetto either. Paint isn’t chipping off the walls, but it IS chipping off the cabinets that have been painted over a million times over the years to make them look “new.”

Somehow in the kitchen through various cracks and crevices, ants can get in. I’ve seen them crawl out of the (non-functioning) dish washing machine, through the ELECTRIC socket by the sink, through some tiny holes in the cabinets where we store food. I’ve seen them. And I’ve killed many of them.

One memorable morning in particular I found THOUSANDS of them having a buffet in (what I thought was) an empty McDonalds bag from the night before. I just stared for a while, unable to hear any sound over my rage screaming. I basically had a breakdown.

shocked and horrified

I’ve tried ant traps. Raid is my new best friend, though it only takes care of them for a little while before they come back again (and do you know how hard it is to spray Raid and not poison areas that your foods touch??). I keep everything damn near spotless, and somehow they always return from a new crevice.

Apparently we also have silverfish in our bathroom. They’re like these tiny little alien shrimp things. They can’t hurt you. They’re also probably the fastest insect I’ve ever seen. If you miss hitting one of these bad boys, it’ll be gone faster than you can even blink. And they like to hide in the tiniest holes to ensure there’s no way you can get to them. It’s not like an infestation; I’ve only seen a few… but again… I don’t want them in my apartment. They don’t pay rent here, so they all need to leave or just die. There are no other options.

So yesterday, I found the ants crawling all up in the cabinet where there’s sugar and honey and all their favorite foods. Somehow they’d gotten INSIDE the closed honey jar. It was too much. I took all the food out and drowned the ants in Raid. And it was instant death. THANK YOU RAID.

Here’s where ruining my life comes in:

My Dreams

Last night I had a dream where I walked into an empty room filled with nothing but millions and millions of ants crawling around in their neat little annoying lines, like they do. On the ceiling there was some kind of bug trap with a disgusting liquid in it, and bugs just CRAWLING ALL AROUND IT. Spiders. Silverfish. Larvae of some sort. Ohmygod. Apparently the trap was ineffective. And sickening. These little bastards are LITERALLY HAUNTING MY DREAMS.

Physical Pain

This morning, I saw a silverfish chilling by the light switch in the bedroom. Staring me in the face and taunting me like, “Yeah, this is my wall, watchu gon’ do?”. I figured, let’s see if Raid works on these things because if it does, I need to soak my bathroom in it completely. Knowing how fast these bugs can crawl away, I had to quickly run over to the kitchen to grab the Raid. Remember all the food I took out of the cabinet because of the ants? All of it was in a big bag on the floor in the kitchen. There were also cans in there, glass bottles. Hard objects in general.

I stubbed my toe soo fucking hard on that bag, I just collapsed and started crying. I just couldn’t any more.

Clearly, the ants and silverfish are conspiring with one another and just won at life.

To make things even worse, I don’t even know if the silverfish died after I sprayed it because it fell in a little crack between the carpet and the wall, so… yeah, I’m sure he’s just fine.

Emotional Damage

I’m also realizing I’m turning into a sick, sadistic bastard. When I look inside the cabinet and see all the dead little ant bodies, I feel this warm, joyous feeling just rising up from the inside. I am ECSTATIC ABOUT THEIR PAINFUL DEMISE. This is just not okay on so many levels.

So basically, I am done and bugs are taking over my life. At this point they might as well bring all their cousins and nephews and move into this apartment because there’s clearly no stopping any of them. At least help pay the rent though.

need therapy