How Ants (And other Bugs) Are Ruining My Life

I’m going to preface this by describing the extent of how much I dislike insects of all kinds. I don’t care if it’s a cockroach or a butterfly, I can’t stand them. A moth on the wall will send me running to another room with the door shut. Bees, wasps, and other stinging creatures terrify me. I’ve gotten better at killing spiders and stuff, but really, I just fucking hate bugs with a passion.

big ang mess

Right, so I live in an *okay* apartment with my man. Not too fancy, but not ridiculously ghetto either. Paint isn’t chipping off the walls, but it IS chipping off the cabinets that have been painted over a million times over the years to make them look “new.”

Somehow in the kitchen through various cracks and crevices, ants can get in. I’ve seen them crawl out of the (non-functioning) dish washing machine, through the ELECTRIC socket by the sink, through some tiny holes in the cabinets where we store food. I’ve seen them. And I’ve killed many of them.

One memorable morning in particular I found THOUSANDS of them having a buffet in (what I thought was) an empty McDonalds bag from the night before. I just stared for a while, unable to hear any sound over my rage screaming. I basically had a breakdown.

shocked and horrified

I’ve tried ant traps. Raid is my new best friend, though it only takes care of them for a little while before they come back again (and do you know how hard it is to spray Raid and not poison areas that your foods touch??). I keep everything damn near spotless, and somehow they always return from a new crevice.

Apparently we also have silverfish in our bathroom. They’re like these tiny little alien shrimp things. They can’t hurt you. They’re also probably the fastest insect I’ve ever seen. If you miss hitting one of these bad boys, it’ll be gone faster than you can even blink. And they like to hide in the tiniest holes to ensure there’s no way you can get to them. It’s not like an infestation; I’ve only seen a few… but again… I don’t want them in my apartment. They don’t pay rent here, so they all need to leave or just die. There are no other options.

So yesterday, I found the ants crawling all up in the cabinet where there’s sugar and honey and all their favorite foods. Somehow they’d gotten INSIDE the closed honey jar. It was too much. I took all the food out and drowned the ants in Raid. And it was instant death. THANK YOU RAID.

Here’s where ruining my life comes in:

My Dreams

Last night I had a dream where I walked into an empty room filled with nothing but millions and millions of ants crawling around in their neat little annoying lines, like they do. On the ceiling there was some kind of bug trap with a disgusting liquid in it, and bugs just CRAWLING ALL AROUND IT. Spiders. Silverfish. Larvae of some sort. Ohmygod. Apparently the trap was ineffective. And sickening. These little bastards are LITERALLY HAUNTING MY DREAMS.

Physical Pain

This morning, I saw a silverfish chilling by the light switch in the bedroom. Staring me in the face and taunting me like, “Yeah, this is my wall, watchu gon’ do?”. I figured, let’s see if Raid works on these things because if it does, I need to soak my bathroom in it completely. Knowing how fast these bugs can crawl away, I had to quickly run over to the kitchen to grab the Raid. Remember all the food I took out of the cabinet because of the ants? All of it was in a big bag on the floor in the kitchen. There were also cans in there, glass bottles. Hard objects in general.

I stubbed my toe soo fucking hard on that bag, I just collapsed and started crying. I just couldn’t any more.

Clearly, the ants and silverfish are conspiring with one another and just won at life.

To make things even worse, I don’t even know if the silverfish died after I sprayed it because it fell in a little crack between the carpet and the wall, so… yeah, I’m sure he’s just fine.

Emotional Damage

I’m also realizing I’m turning into a sick, sadistic bastard. When I look inside the cabinet and see all the dead little ant bodies, I feel this warm, joyous feeling just rising up from the inside. I am ECSTATIC ABOUT THEIR PAINFUL DEMISE. This is just not okay on so many levels.

So basically, I am done and bugs are taking over my life. At this point they might as well bring all their cousins and nephews and move into this apartment because there’s clearly no stopping any of them. At least help pay the rent though.

need therapy


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